|| my head up

i looked back into your eyes
and i started to cry
when i realized
they were on me the whole time

when i couldn't take the pain
and i gave into the games
drowning in my state
of denial
you kept my head up
above water
above giving in
you kept my head up

i looked back into your eyes
and saw that you were kind
in the middle of my lies
you never turned away
when my bottle was full
and my heart turned stone
i didn't know how to ask you for it,
but you gave me mercy

when i sat in the darkest place
you held me in my shame
even when i couldn't reach you
you held me in my shame

when the hurt ran deeper
and confusion was a resident
you lifted my head up
you met me in my mess
and lifted my head up

|| breath

I gasp under the weight I wear

crashing waves of disrepair

In over my head with memories

losing touch and guarantees 

I fight the pressure once again

one breath away from caving in

the crashing sound of my single tear 

when I see the spaces drawing near 

walls rising eagerly 

cement being poured;
 to make it easy 

habits recycled and stored

to make it fine, emotionally

like a favorite song and a common chord 

maybe things will change eventually 

reaching outward through the night

wishing you would come rewrite 

the story I lived and the pain I recite 

the song I wrote and the hurt I invite 

the choice again, to fight or flight

I'll tell myself to be alright 

and I'll just keep walking towards the light 

Its hard for me to consign

when I always say I'm fine 

and its easier to decline 

when your arms are open wide

but you draw nearer still

and i can't grasp the reason why

when i tell you I'm fine

my hate is yours 

and your mercy is mine 

i breath you in again
you fill my lungs
like oxygen
like a gift of life
and the will to fight
your strength in sight
and your hope inside

still you give me breath

and i can't grasp the reason why
my wounds are yours
and your love is mine
even when I pretend I'm fine
my pain is yours
and your breath is mine

|| surrounded

I am surrounded once again
I can hardly take it in
this light that penetrates my very existence
this joy that leaves me without words
I am chosen despite my resistance
despite my habitual shortcomings
despite my choice of distance
I am surrounded with a freedom

I am surrounded by a divine reach
I can hardly catch my breath
this truth that gives me purpose
this love that shatters death

my fears are out of focus
my darkness shrinking back
this peace has overtaken me
this gift given undeservingly

disarming my love starved heart
disregarding my endless wall building
what once was unreachable
is now drawn in close
I am surrounded
by this unexplanable force
and I am undone for eternity

|| human

feelings are for humans and

feelings are what I lack 

cares are what I need this time
not this numb and lifeless face I find

the mirror shows those dark eyes of mine  

the ones that can conquer the world but are void of light
the ones that softened for a season 

but then welcomed the night

the ones that chose strength 

now cling to fear 

the ones that knew life 

hold death too near 

where did the kind one go to hide? 

with a smile on her face 

and bright shining eyes
she was here not long ago, 

dancing with the sunshine

now she carries shadows 

through late hours
now she's left empathy to die
she watches honor and honesty fall behind

when did the strong one forget to fly?
now she battles with old ghosts and new
she's forgotten her victories were never few
she's forgotten to keep her eyes to the sky
she lost the voice that told her to try

this girl once so filled with hope
she left behind a pathetic sight 

only a dark eyed girl to cope
she left behind all wrongs or rights
emptied days and confused nights

I found her here kneeling 

eyes searching the ceiling 

with a hole ready for filling

and heart reaching for feeling

hands open for receiving 

soul clinging to believing 

body desperate for Your healing 

feelings are for humans

and I long to be one again

|| It does

you aren't wrong;
It does hurt

and whats worse is your memory comes and goes
like proof that you can't quite hold tight to

you wear that pain like a blanket
i feel it sometimes when i take your hand
i see it at night when it leaves a shadow
its so familiar sometimes i let you share it with me

its tiring isn't it, carrying that around so often
you got used to it a while back, but that doesn't mean its part of you

i've seen you wear joy before, like a bracelet on your arm
it looked so good on you but you felt uncomfortable with it
maybe you need to practice putting the bracelet on
and leaving the blanket at home sometimes

you tell me this always was and always is
you tell me change is out of reach
but you aren't right;
it does get better

hard to believe it when the weight comes back
it pins your mind again, turning thoughts upside down
causing emotions to spin a little too fast
leaving feelings behind again

i know your eyes are used to the dark
but we can take it slowly this time
hand me the blanket, i'll light you a candle
keep your eyes on mine and i'll lead you out of the tunnel

you don't know this but I used to live in that same black night
i know the way out and its real this time.

i know you don't believe it now, but you'll feel again
let the light touch your skin, and let the wind unwind your tangled sin
leave it behind once and for all
all the hurt they gave you
and all the pain you returned
i'll give you the love I've found
the kind of love we never earned

|| always

I run, I stumble, always seeking
I worry, I wonder, always dreaming

change is on my heels
despair is in my hand
healing calls me forward, but shame is on my shoulder
draining me of my strength to stand.

I cry, I question, always fighting

will I always be alone?
will I ever be alive?
will I always be too lost to see?

silence is the consistent answer
echoing through the void inside me

I trip, I fall, always breaking

I long to be washed clean
take these layers far from me

this desert is deceiving
stealing, draining, never filling
this darkness is entrapping
numbing, tricking, never giving
I long to be set free

I've been so blind to You

You chase, You call, always rescuing
my ever present help.

You fill, You fight, always caring
My ever loving Father

You have always been with me
By my side
Through the night
Whispering
Reaching
Guarding

  Always

|| this cage

-Your eyes, I see, are shining still

but they brim with hurt, that familiar fill

The weight they carry, I know it well

I know your pain, I know the feel

I told you our way was hard

I didn't choose it, did I?

from the beginning we were scarred

we didn't choose it did we?

You said we could be this royal youth

I said we are untouchable, is that the truth?

I told you I was fine and you said the same

We learned that early, to play this game

We were raised on poison, its in our blood

I can never shake it, do you think I should?

I know you are confused, cause I am too

If I find the truth, I'll share it with you

Tell me your thoughts, I see that fear

We need each other, or so I hear

I need you to laugh or I'm gonna cry

I'm trying to show you, I'm not gonna hide

I would change the past for you 

If I could, I swear I would. 

You would take this load from me, 
but that doesn't mean you should

Your heart, I know was scarred from the start

And now, I see, I understand that part

We can do this together
I know we can change

He unlocked the door
lets climb out of this cage